The Light In Death 

At 18 I lost four babies. At 19 I was heavily pregnant with my first of four children. My waters broke early but the labour didn’t naturally progress. For four days, I cried, awaiting her. 

When she was born, I heard Angels singing.

I had lost a lot of blood and less than 48 hours after she had entered this plane, I had a reaction to an infected blood transfusion and ultimately had a Near Death Experience.

I was lying there alone, one moment motionless, the next, shivering like the addict I was yet to become. 

My jaw was stiff, my teeth chattering. I felt frozen to my core.

Had I not buzzed to ask for blankets, maybe no-one would have come.

I had mistaken dying, as a breeze. 

My heart was pounding in my chest, bursting to explode, implode.

I turned my head to my newborn daughter and moaned. The sudden thought of separation clawing at my senses. 

I was afraid. 

The needle was ripped from my arm, the bag of blood that had loomed over me for hours in the sunlight, suddenly detached from me, yet coursing through my veins. 

Six faces surrounded me, blurry, fuzzy, fading.

My Soul told me it was time to rise. 

Closing my eyes, everything faded from view. The Angel I had birthed, far below me.

Immediately, I was shooting through a tunnel. I could feel gusts of winds carrying me, light as air.

Darkness surrounded me as I travelled. Until in the distance I saw a small beam of Light. The Light of Me.

A ‘still video’ played before me.. A slideshow of my entire earthly existence. A million memories relived simultaneously, time irrelevant. 

Memories I had supressed stared back at me in this different reality, no longer hidden from my awareness, crystal clear.

I could feel the pain I had inflicted on others; the shame deafening. I could see the faces of my rapists, exposed to my consciousness. 

It was painful. 

I stayed in this place until there was nothing I had not felt. 

And then there was Light.

Earthly words fail me to define this. Language is a barrier to the truth of what this was; is. 

I was free, whole, loved, loved, loved

The Love was a shock to my Spirit. I had forgotten it. 

I was enveloped, submerged in nothing but the Light and yet everything it was at the same time. 

Not blinding like the sun, not bright like a flame in my face. Calm, soft, true.

It was then I learnt you don’t need lips to whisper. You don’t need a tongue to carve syllables into existence. They already soar high above us and I heard them.

With no face, this being spoke to me.

Knowledge and Wisdom seeping into my centre, no corners to hide behind, nowhere to turn. Love was everywhere and I was Love. 

The Light told me it was time to return and the memory of my broken body crippled me. I declined. I had felt Peace and I wanted to keep it. I was allowed to stay for a little longer, I let myself sink into the beauty and drew as much of it into my being as I could steal. 

I was shown my celestial baby, waiting for me beside my empty body and I sighed.

Like all the breath I had held on to, escaped me. A deep understanding of her purpose, of my purpose

I came back to her and she has thanked me every day with a smile and eyes that know. 

For we shared this together, her and I.. Rebirth on the same day.. 

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